Is your husband a "man-child"?
What is a "man-child"?
Do you hear yourself saying to your husband or partner, “I’m not your mother”, “grow up!”, “stop being so childish”, “it’s like talking to a baby, talking to you”.
Are you frustrated by the lack of his emotional and mental development?.
Do you feel that certain attributes that initially attracted you to him and that you used to love, are now causing difficulties in your relationship?.
Do you sometimes feel like you are talking to a teenager rather than a grown-up when you try to discuss something (serious)?
If all of the above seems very familiar, then maybe your husband or partner has “man-child” syndrome or “Peter Pan” syndrome which are a set of frustrating and disheartening “child-like” behaviours.
The “Peter Pan” syndrome was named after the character Peter Pan who just didn’t want to grow-up and remain how he was…..a child who wanted to live in a fantasy world.
The funny thing is, there is also the “Wendy” syndrome which is the female version. The “Wendy” character is a more mature person who likes to behave in a maternal way. Hence, if a man has never mentally grown-up, he’ll be quite happy for YOU “Wendy” to run-after him.
What is the cause behind the "man-child" or Peter Pan syndrome?
The most common driving force behind an emotionally immature man is his upbringing. Diverse parenting styles or lack of, can result in young boys not being taught adult-like life-skills or taught to take responsability for their life and that of others. They are helpless and find “getting themselves together” extremely difficult which usually ends up with them throwing a tantrum and blaming others for their actions.
Other intense and dsyfunctional relationships with their parents, namely, the mother, are: Permissive parents who don’t set solid boundaries or allow their child to believe that they can do whatever they want, whenever they want. When the child finds themselves in trouble, it’s quite normal for the parents to take the blame, rather than the child.
Another (dysfunctional) parenting type is the “Protective” parent or mother where she/they feel that their child should remain as a child and not think or worry about the future. According to them, the world is a big bad place, therefore, they need to protect them from all dangers. She/they believe that doing house chores, taking responsability or planning for the future, are not issues that children do or have to occupy themselves with. They just need to be children.
The bottom line is that when men grow-up, they don’t know how to live an adult life, take life seriously and still expect that everything will be done for them.
How do they behave?
“Men-children”, constantly complain about things that they can’t control, for example, the heat of the sun, the internet connection is low or slow (the list just goes on). They make such a “song and dance” about it, that they become highly agitated and start blaming others for their behaviour and the actual sitution.
- Dishonesty: They’ll say that it “wasn’t them”, even before you have finished the sentence. They will become highly defensive and blame you for trying to set them up…they like to be the innocent victim and you the villan. They will blatantly tell lies just to cover themselves and save their skins.
- They will pretend to be extremely nice to you “one minute” when they want something from you or ask you to do something for them. Next minute, they will completely ignore you or give you the cold shoulder.
- They believe that you owe yourself to them.
- They think that they are always “right” and you are always “wrong”.
- They generally resemble narcissistic traits both physically and mentally. They may spend a lot of time on their appearance and make sure that they are dressed well and that everything matches. They will disregard needs of others but prioritize their own. They usually fail to accept accountability or take into consideration the consequences that follow. They highly fear criticism or conflict where they will try their best to prove you wrong and devalue you.
On saying this, not everyone with the Peter Pan syndrome, have narcissistic traits or if they do, some of the concepts may be different. But, the two issues do share some similarities.
What don't they do (in the house and relationship)
- They never clean up after themselves, whether it is at home, work or for example, in a fast-food restaurant. Like a child, they expect everyone else to clean up and keep things tidy.
- They rarely arrive on time. Their life is more important and you have to wait for them. Their time is precious and yours not.
- They never take responsability for anything. Why should they make decisions when someone else can do it for them. At the same time, when things go wrong, they will be more than happy to blame and criticise you. Furthermore, when you try to involve them in a decision (because they will accuse you of leaving them out of everything or hiding information from them), they will get up-tight and behave like a child as they start feeling overwhelmed.
- This leads to their unhealthy ways of coping with stress. They might use certain activities to avoid their feelings or “shutdown” and give you the “silent” treatment or become impulsive and aggresive. It is quite common for them to throw a tantrum.
How do you cope or deal with a "man-child" husband?
The first thing is to know that there are many “men-children” or “Peter Pan” husbands or partners in the world. Therefore, you certainly aren’t alone.
Secondly, you must not feel disappointed with yourself, for falling for such a person. Initially, these people seem to be caring, charming people but, slowly slowly, they pull you down into their world.
Thirdly, you have to come to understand that there is very little you can do to change these people. Unfortunately, their emotions/empathy (or lack of), behaviour and general thinking has been deeply ingrained, from their childhood.
Lastly, since “men-children” cannot see that their way of functioning in the world has negative consequences on others, they are not motivated to seek change.
Conclusion
It is not pleasant to live life under “man-child’s” terms. Everyone deserves a happy and balanced relationship. So, what should we do about our Peter Pan husbands and partners? Well, frankly, from my own experience, there’s only one solution. “They return to their “real” mothers. Yes, there are many other less drastic solutions and a softer approach but who have lived in a toxic relationship for too long……will only agree with me!
